My Grandma Margie passed last week.

Grandma Margie was great at documenting photos. I love seeing her at different ages in her youth. She was married at 17 and had her first child when she was 19
Since the moment my phone exploded with calls from my family last Tuesday morning, I feel as though I’ve been in an alternate universe.
In this alternate universe, I am being driven by something larger than myself. I feel my heart expanding, my body pulsating with a “knowing” that is running through my veins.

LOVE this picture. I’m wearing overalls (probably 6 yrs old), my brother, 4, is in front, while my cousins Justin and Amy are on either side of Grandma.
My grandmother had a 7th-grade education, was married at 17 and had her first child by the time she was 19. Babies having babies.
While there’s a lot of love in my family, there’s a lot of dysfunction. The older men (like grandfathers and great-grandfathers), while they did the best they could, were angry men. There are stories peppered through both sides of my family of men hitting women.
While I’ve never witnessed any of this, nor have I ever been hit, I have this deep feeling that I’m carrying the burden of my ancestors. I can actually FEEL my grandmother’s pain and all the pain and suffering of an ancestral lineage born in poverty where it was normal to take out anger on women.

Me and my grandma Thanksgiving 2014. Always smiling and always the jokster. : )
I talk about this candidly right now because what’s come up for me this week is a sense of deep responsibility to the ancestral matriarchy of my past and also to women who will walk on this planet long after I’m gone.
But this feeling of intense responsibility is not only for my Matriarch, but for all the women on this planet: past, present, and future.
Because what my grandmother and many other women in my family have experienced is not special to my family. It’s a world-wide colossal epidemic of not only seeing the Feminine as inferior, but also thinking it’s okay to hurt Her.
And while yes the Feminine is hurt through physical means, She’s also undermined emotionally, scarred and bruised on the inside where you can’t even see it.
But what’s worse, we as women carry the depth of this physical and emotional abuse, which has been handed to us from the collective consciousness, that says “women are less”.
We take it in, we believe it, and whether or not we personally experience physical or emotional abuse from another doesn’t matter. It lives inside of us and comes out looking like this:
I’ll hate my body.
I’ll hate and judge her body because she’s bigger than me, then I’ll turn around and hate and judge my body because my body’s not as small as hers.
I don’t trust other women. I’ll relentlessly judge and critique them. “Ugh… she’s so emotional!
I don’t trust myself. I’ll relentlessly judge and critique myself. “Ugh…why am I so emotional!”
I’ll shovel food in my mouth to pacify the pain.
I’ll force myself to diet and starve…that’ll teach me self-control. “Ha! That’s what you get for shoveling all that food down your mouth!”
These are but a few examples of how we as women choose to perpetuate the cycles of feminine suffering, and they exist at the macro level.
Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”. How can I ever expect physical and emotional abuse to end for women, when we as women beat ourselves up by hating our body and then go on to beat other women up by hating on them, too?
The Divine message that clearly came to me last week as my grandmother passed was that my life is to be used in service of helping women end their internal abuse and suffering.
I am here to help women be the change they want to see in the world through lessons of deep and radical self-love.
How do I do this? I’m no scholar.
But I do have extensive training in the worlds of eating psychology, nutrition, yoga, and fitness. Through these doors I help women who are seeking to heal their mind, heart, and soul, and create a deep loving respectful relationship to their body.
Thank you Grandma Margie for the beautiful and simple life you led. And even in your death you brought miracles into the world.
I love you.
This is amazing and has really touched me.
Thank you!
Thank you Christina… so much love to you!
Hello Audra, First, I am sorry for you loss. I too had a grandmother whom I loved dearly. My family was fortunate to have her for 100 years which is most of my life. Your comments motivated me to share with you what I too learned from death. I have learned many lessons from death. I make a huge effort to live by the old adage “don’t put off for tomorrow, what you can do today.” As a result, I try to make sure I cherish my relationships and stay in touch with people because death is final and there are NO second chances. I also value my family and my friends. I recently read a quote from an actor who said, he knew he had friends but when he got sick he really got to know who his friends truly were. My youngest brother died at age 40. He was shot 8 times by someone he did not know while in the company of so call “friends”. The shooter was never caught because none of the “friends” will ID the shooter. The “friends” left him to die but one felt guilty about running away and called 911. My brother lived but was a paraplegic after. He had no feeling in his body from below his breast down. I share this because my brother and I fought all the time. He was 10 years younger and from the day he was born would not listen but would always come to me for help when in trouble. He disrespected me in a conversation when I was trying to help him and I said that was it. I wasn’t keeping malice because I don’t believe in that nonsense. He accused me of constantly being in his business so I decided okay, I am OUT. I told him I wouldn’t call him anymore and he can always call if he needed me. Well, for five years, we did not need each other because he did not call me and I did not call him. We may have spoke once and it was because our father was ill. To make a long story short, he lived about 3 months after he was shot. It was during that time he ended up in hospital again because he did not follow Doctor’s orders and died after a successful debridement while waiting in his chair for his fiancée to come around the front of the hospital to pick him up. Turns out the Doctors did not put him on blood thinners and he died from a blood clot to the lungs. What did I learn then? If I had not used the three months between him getting shot and when he died in that wheel chair, my brother would have left this earth without us exchanging words and all the unpleasantness of our relationship. It was through that experience that I learn to resolve issues no matter how unpleasant. To this day, I can deal with my bother’s passing because we got our relationship back on track before he passed. I know that despite the great life I have now, I would never be at peace in it, if I had not made peace with my brother!
The lucky thing for both of us, we have the opportunity to make certain things right. Like you, I am real appreciative of the life I have. You might recall I am originally from Jamaica, West Indies and retired military. I too try to give back now because so many have given to me.
All the best to you. BTW, I may not be working out with you but I have been on Weight Watchers for over a year now. I have lost 18 pounds with more to go. I am dancing just about 7 days a week and definitely watching what I eat. I have no health issues as of this writing. Since I am living until 100 like my Granny, I am trying to get there w/o issues!
So great to hear from you, Denise, and thank you so much for sharing your story. Death has a very crystal clear way of showing what really matters. People. Relationships. Love. Everything else is just a distraction.