I haven’t seen this since I first wrote it in my tiny apartment in San Francisco after becoming newly single and making the commitment to get to the bottom of my issues with food and my weight. The process I went through was so organic, so sweet, and the deep self-love I had just started giving myself comes oozing off the page.
This is an entry at the beginning of my decision to heal my life… which included stop dieting, restricting, and controlling my food.
Winter 2011
It’s weird.. it’s like this softening of my heart, softening of this rigidity I’ve grown to call “me” of the past decade: must go to school. Must support myself. Must be strong. Must restrict. Must take charge. Must be in control.
It’s like it’s all collapsing. Like layers of bricks are falling down. Like shreds of metal are falling off around my heart to expose a softer, more vulnerable Audra.
The feeling is an intense vibration around my heart and chest. It pounds harder despite the fact I’ve given up caffeine. From the vibration wells up deep intense tears and moaning and crying pretty much on a daily basis.
I’ve stopped controlling my food, which has led back to a sweet sugar addiction, a soft belly and wider hips. I start to hate myself, but then as I’m experiencing this openness in my heart, it’s impossible to hate at the same time.
So instead of hating my softer belly and wider, thicker legs, I’m choosing softness of my heart.
The more I choose this softness, the more my heart opens up. The more my feminine energy is sparking.
PROTECTION
At first the weight gain felt like a huge protective mechanism. I truly felt ungrounded, scared, unprotected, insecure…. These are all feelings from my deep childhood…. From the ages of 5-8. (Which not so ironically was the start of my emotional and binge eating patterns, when my parents divorced)
Because quite literally, the animal within, the deep primal self knows that if it is threatened and feels unprotected, then it will direct you to become larger. In the animal kingdom, size matters!
So in the midst of these feelings, emotional eating began and my size literally increased.
I see it and feel it. But when my mind starts freaking out, I look at my larger naked body in the mirror, touch my soft belly and large hips, and cry with loving thoughts. I hold myself in love and respect for the moments I am going through.
MIRACLES
When hate or discord starts to seep into my thoughts, I drop to my knees and ask God for a miracle. Dear God… my thoughts right now are poisonous for my soul and body… much more poisonous than the sugar I’m craving. Please God… I need a miracle. I need to love myself no matter how I look or feel. I need to feel deeply into myself, no matter how good, bad, or scary the emotions may be. Help me God to remain open and loving toward myself. –Amen
And you want to know the crazy part?
That shit works!
In “A Return To Love” Marianne Williamson says, “It’s not that we ask too much from God, it’s that we don’t ask for enough.”
Well shit… it’s time I started asking!
At first, just the process of asking would send me into uncontrollable tears, hot flashes, and trippy vibrational feelings that would start at my heart’s center and permeate through my chest. Eventually those vibrations would reach past my chest, up and down my spine, and into the rest of my body.
I truly believe that this process is what got me out of a pattern of mindless emotional or binge eating, and into a more mindful, loving space of emotional and binge eating.
And it’s from this space where love starts to shine through.
I’m so proud of my journey and my courage to go on it.
Losing weight is easy.
What’s harder is learning how to be in a body you love unconditionally despite it’s size. What I love about this journal entry is that the peace I experienced in that moment wasn’t because I dropped 10 pounds. The peace I felt was because I embraced and loved my body even as it was expanding.
I went from mindless emotional eating to CONSCIOUS emotional eat…. and was thrilled at the progress!
Eventually as I kept working through my process, whatever excess weight I was carrying at that time has since disappeared… and not because I forced it off with a restrictive diet or obsessive amounts of exercise. What I did gain was a big helping of unconditional self-love. I even remember going clothes shopping during this time since I had nothing that fit me. I remember enjoying the shopping process, loving my body unconditionally, and finding clothes that made me feel beautiful.
